Sabtu, 18 April 2015

One Question

I don't know if I should write this or not but maybe for now I want to write it.

One day, in the middle of my conversation with Surya ex-girlfriend (I call her Dek Nisa - psychology student), I tell her my nightmare.

"Adek, I dream about him (my ex - okay, maybe not my ex but he is someone who ever come to my life) last night and I don't know why I could dream about him. I always think that when I dream about someone it means that he miss me. But I think it's not true. For this time he might not be missed me."

"Do you often dream about him?"

"Of course not! I ever dream about him just once or twice, I forgot about that because it happened a long time ago."

"Is there something that bothered your mind?"

"Nope! Hmm, but sometimes I think about why he was so mean to me! Haha."

"It's possible that if you ask him?"

"No! Big no! I don't want to talk to him anymore. No matter what! Haha."

"It could be a dangerous thing for you."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like unfinished story and could be a time bomb." And she tell me more about a psychological thing although it is hard for me to understand. Haha. I just remember when she said about, "Something is said is not dangerous anymore when it does not hurt when retold. If you're still hurt, it means it could be a dangerous thing someday."

After she told me about that, I remember about something that Uki (my boarding house friend-she also psychology student) ever told me when I just got hurt. It about "repress" thing. Psychological thing that still hard to me to understand. Uki said, "The repress was like you try hard pressing your experience in the past, so that you can forget and do not remember anymore. But in reality, in your subconscious, the memory is still there and can appear again."

Maybe something that I repressed reappear. A question about, "Why are you so mean to me?" I always think that you are the most evil people in the world! Haha.

But sometimes, the more I think about that, I think I should accept the fact that not all things have to be understood, not all the things we need to know what the reason. Why are you too much thinking and too much analyzing the something. Is not that exaggerated?

(Maybe) I'm still having a hard time to accept the fact. The fact that all things may happen also due to my imagination. Imagination about he was ever love me (Why I'm so confident? Haha.) But if he really like me of course I'll be the only one and he would not like the second. Although he was once said, 'yes, ever,' and foolishly I believe when it was just a lie.

Sometimes I also think about blame myself, about I should accept the risk of the decisions I have made, about giving up (or rather believe that everything that is destined for me will come back to me), about thinking too much, about not being able made peace with his past, and about this and that.

Maybe the answers to all my questions is about willingly accept. Because not all the things we need to understand why.

But (again and again) sometimes I still curious as to why. Why are you so mean to me? There is sense to ask. But I do not want to. Not because of pride (or afraid to ask to him) but rather to I'm afraid the answer he would give. Maybe he will answer, "How could I love ugly and poor girls like you? While there is a beautiful and rich girl who loves me. I deserve it." Haha.

But again (and again), maybe the answers to all my questions is about willingly accept. Because not all the things we need to understand why. Right? But I'm still curious.

Hey, you! I just want to ask you one question. Why are you so mean to me?

From the millions and even billions of people in the world, why should you? And although I think you are the most evil people in the world, I want to say thank you for everything. And sorry to think about you are the most evil people in the world.

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