I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me.

 

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

 

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another goodbye.

 

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

 

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe.
It's probably better off this way.
And I confess babe,
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you.
And I almost do.

 

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me, not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do,
I almost do.

 

I bet this time of night you're still up.
I bet you're tired from a long hard week.
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city.
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me.

 

Taylor Swift

Can I?

Dear God,

I don't think I can get through this storm?

May I stop here?

Sincerely,
Someone who can't stand anymore

If you love someone, set them free.

They said, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.

Waktu kuliah dulu, sering banget kesel sama Ocha. Ocha dulunya sering banget nangis gegara pacarnya. Dia mempertahankan hubungan yang ‘kelihatannya’ –karena kita nggak pernah tahu sebenernya relationship orang itu seperti apa—nggak sehat, meskipun banyak orang bilang ke dia, “udah putusin aja!”

Sekarang, mungkin saya ketulah. Saya sering nyuruh Ocha putus, padahal saya nggak paham bener apa yang dia rasain, apa yang terjadi. Dan sekarang saya tahu, nggak mudah ada di posisi itu.

Berada di posisi antara ingin tetap mempertahankan dan melepaskan—karena udah ngerasa nggak sanggup, tapi kalau disuruh ngelepasin kok ya nggak ikhlas. Saya cewek lemah yang ketika diajak ngobrol lagi aja udah lupa sama ngeselinnya dia kemarin-kemarin. Saya selemah itu.

Tapi pada akhirnya, saya capek juga. Capek mempertahankan hubungan yang nggak jelas. Capek ketika ngomong serius tapi ditanggapin becandaan. Capek karena merasa berusaha sendirian. Capek karena dibohongin terus dan terus. Capek karena ngerasain sesuatu yang menurut saya penting dan bagi dia nggak penting.

I love him truly, but I realized kalau emang sama-sama suka yang dua-duanya usaha. Boleh sayang sama orang tapi jangan lupa lah kalau harus sayang sama diri sendiri juga. Dan jangan lupa kalau emang jodoh di tangan Allah. What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. What isn’t meant for you, won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips.

Apakah saya seikhlas ini?

Tidak. Yang sempat baca blog saya di February lalu—yang sekarang udah saya hapus, pasti tahu betapa berantakannya saya. Ada masa ketika saya marah, nangis, stress, denial. Semua tahap itu saya lewati hingga akhirnya saya menyerah, pasrah pada Kuasa Allah. Bukan karena nggak mau berusaha tapi terkadang untuk beberapa hal, memasrahkannya pada Allah adalah hal terbaik yang bisa dilakukan.

Saya sayang sama dia, banget. Lebih dari sayangnya saya sama yang sebelum-sebelumnya. Usaha yang saya lakukan lebih dari apa yang sudah saya lakukan untuk yang sebelum-sebelumnya. Hingga akhirnya saya sadar, tidak semua hal bisa saya kendalikan. Bahwa urusan jodoh memang lebih baik dipasrahkan. Kalau dia kembali ke saya, mungkin itu yang sudah Allah tuliskan. Tapi kalau akhirnya bukan dia, saya percaya Allah tahu, jauh lebih tahu, apa yang terbaik buat umat-Nya.

The Worst

Dan yang paling buruk adalah ketika kau telah memberikan yang terbaik yang bisa kau berikan, namun ia tetap merasa kau belum berjuang sama sekali untuknya. - Brian Khrisna

This Town

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

As if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something about you

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Everything comes back to you

Song by Niall Horan