Can I?

Dear God,

I don't think I can get through this storm?

May I stop here?

Sincerely,
Someone who can't stand anymore

If you love someone, set them free.

They said, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.

Waktu kuliah dulu, sering banget kesel sama Ocha. Ocha dulunya sering banget nangis gegara pacarnya. Dia mempertahankan hubungan yang ‘kelihatannya’ –karena kita nggak pernah tahu sebenernya relationship orang itu seperti apa—nggak sehat, meskipun banyak orang bilang ke dia, “udah putusin aja!”

Sekarang, mungkin saya ketulah. Saya sering nyuruh Ocha putus, padahal saya nggak paham bener apa yang dia rasain, apa yang terjadi. Dan sekarang saya tahu, nggak mudah ada di posisi itu.

Berada di posisi antara ingin tetap mempertahankan dan melepaskan—karena udah ngerasa nggak sanggup, tapi kalau disuruh ngelepasin kok ya nggak ikhlas. Saya cewek lemah yang ketika diajak ngobrol lagi aja udah lupa sama ngeselinnya dia kemarin-kemarin. Saya selemah itu.

Tapi pada akhirnya, saya capek juga. Capek mempertahankan hubungan yang nggak jelas. Capek ketika ngomong serius tapi ditanggapin becandaan. Capek karena merasa berusaha sendirian. Capek karena dibohongin terus dan terus. Capek karena ngerasain sesuatu yang menurut saya penting dan bagi dia nggak penting.

I love him truly, but I realized kalau emang sama-sama suka yang dua-duanya usaha. Boleh sayang sama orang tapi jangan lupa lah kalau harus sayang sama diri sendiri juga. Dan jangan lupa kalau emang jodoh di tangan Allah. What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. What isn’t meant for you, won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips.

Apakah saya seikhlas ini?

Tidak. Yang sempat baca blog saya di February lalu—yang sekarang udah saya hapus, pasti tahu betapa berantakannya saya. Ada masa ketika saya marah, nangis, stress, denial. Semua tahap itu saya lewati hingga akhirnya saya menyerah, pasrah pada Kuasa Allah. Bukan karena nggak mau berusaha tapi terkadang untuk beberapa hal, memasrahkannya pada Allah adalah hal terbaik yang bisa dilakukan.

Saya sayang sama dia, banget. Lebih dari sayangnya saya sama yang sebelum-sebelumnya. Usaha yang saya lakukan lebih dari apa yang sudah saya lakukan untuk yang sebelum-sebelumnya. Hingga akhirnya saya sadar, tidak semua hal bisa saya kendalikan. Bahwa urusan jodoh memang lebih baik dipasrahkan. Kalau dia kembali ke saya, mungkin itu yang sudah Allah tuliskan. Tapi kalau akhirnya bukan dia, saya percaya Allah tahu, jauh lebih tahu, apa yang terbaik buat umat-Nya.

The Worst

Dan yang paling buruk adalah ketika kau telah memberikan yang terbaik yang bisa kau berikan, namun ia tetap merasa kau belum berjuang sama sekali untuknya. - Brian Khrisna

This Town

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running round
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far from the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

As if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something about you

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Everything comes back to you

Song by Niall Horan

Jealous

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

Song by Labrinth